44 days

its been 44 days today. i got shocked when i found that out honestly, has it really been that long? because it doesnt feel like it. i still somehow miss you, even though youve moved on, and got together with my friend, the same one who thought it would be funny to fake being together right after we broke up. safe to say im not friends with him anymore. but you two are actually together now, just a week or two after we ended. you never even gave me a reason. just that you had lost all feelings for me. 2 days later, 10 january, i found out you were spreading rumors about me. wild honestly. you would always tell me you hated people who spread rumors. turns out it was you all along. you hated what you were. and what you are now? thats pretty odd honestly. i havent been to school for about a month now because of those rumors. it hurts. you made me lose 5 friends. im left with 2 people. you took the rest. pretty selfish if you ask me. i hate how i cant feel an ounce of hatred toward you. why am i like this? all i feel is just emptiness. its like my body cant process hatred. i dont think ive ever really hated anyone, i feel like hate is too big, i cant hate another human being without feeling bad about it. i want the best for everyone. i still want the best for you, even though my 2 remaining friends hate you with their whole life. i just cant seem to hate. just dislike. not despise, not hate. its weird. we had our time. 6 months. almost 7, if youd waited another 11 days. it hurts to be honest. i lost a friend and the love of my life. since i was homeschooled from around 6th grade to the start of 8th, ive never really had anybody. i was homeschooled because of my anxiety, i still struggle, but at least im medicated now, which helps a bit. but i still feel trapped. because of that anxiety i got homeschooled, couldnt get myself to school, it was horrible. i have so many bad memories from that school, and the teachers. you know, sometimes they just dont care for you. i reported one teacher to the municipality last year, they saw the flaws and opened an investigation. that same teacher is literally the reason i developed anxiety and got diagnosed with anxiety disorder. and i still dont feel an ounce of hate for her. she ruined my life, probably limited a lot of it. and i still cant hate her. thats pretty odd huh. i didnt have any social interaction for those almost 2 years. maybe i was with friends a total of 10 times. never had a crush either, well, i never went to class so i couldnt really develop one. when i started 8th grade i got to know you, and in the beginning i didnt develop feelings for you. then came the class trip. i remember lying on a random trampoline next to you at night, looking at the stars. i think thats when i started developing feelings for you. the first actual love feeling ive had in over 2 years. it felt weird, id forgotten what it really felt like. i had that crush on you for probably 6 months after that. i remember new years eve 2025, you told me you liked me. i regret never acting on it. i was just awkward, didnt know what to say. god i regret it so much. i wish i wouldve just asked you out there and then. but i didnt. why was i that stupid. why did my anxiety have to ruin that. 6 months later, specifically 19 june 2025, my grandmas birthday hehe, no it wasnt planned, well, sort of. i did plan to ask you out on the first day of summer break, and thats exactly when it was. i planned it a lot. i thought if you rejected me it would be horrible, id probably not be able to come to school for months. im thankful it worked. i did a lot for it. wrote so much, im sorry about that actually, knowing you have dyslexia. but it worked :), and we got together. 19 june 2025 14:21. i remember it exactly. i started crying, happy tears. i was honestly that happy. i hadnt felt love in almost 3 years. i dont think i wouldve managed that without my anxiety medication, id just started it around then and it gave me the courage to actually go through with it. so i planned it a week in advance, made a website for you and everything. you said you loved it. i remember the day before, i saw you being playful with another guy and i felt like you had lost feelings for me. i was scared id have to cancel the whole thing. im glad i didnt. turns out you still liked me, and had liked me for almost a year at that point, since you first got to know me. i remember the first time actually being with you in real life after i got back from vacation. i was stressing, it was awkward at first. i just remember everything so clearly. why am i like this. i remember the first time you kissed me. my first kiss since kindergarten, hahaha. i tried to play it off. but when you looked away i dont think ive smiled that much my entire life. its crazy how in love i was. we did last a while, and im happy for that. i just wish it wouldve worked out. ive tried to let you go, i just cant, and i fucking hate it. so much. i hate when i keep getting photos on snapchat memories, seeing us two, holding you in my arms. god it just hurts, its like a stab to the heart every single time. why. why was i not enough. you kept reassuring me i was, but i wasnt? you said i was the best thing that had ever happened to you. but i guess i wasnt. i did everything for you, whatever youd ask id do. where did i go wrong. i dont know. and i guess i never will, because youre gone. and i feel empty. valentines day was hard. 04:30 am, 14 february 2026, a saturday. i got reminded of you and just broke down. all the feelings overflowed and i couldnt think straight. all ive messed up, everything i just cant do right, the memories, how it used to be, everything. i remember crying my eyes out, scrolling through snapchat memories, getting hurt more and more. i got out of bed and went to the kitchen, sat there a while, and after a while i decided to just do it. i couldnt take it anymore. i went to the drawer where we keep medicine and just scavenged around trying to find something to attempt an overdose with. after a while i got to my senses and realised i was just a danger to myself. i decided to go outside. it was cold but whatever, its winter. i went to the local school and just broke down again, couldnt breathe or think straight. i called amc. about 30 minutes later an ambulance showed up. i genuinely felt like such a fucking failure. why am i like this. why cant i just be normal. why do i need antidepressants to survive. my parents asked if i wanted to go to an institution for a bit. i honestly just dont know. they said i probably need to talk to a psychiatrist. so yeah. the school wont do anything about the rumors either. i had to report it to the regional governor because theyre legally supposed to make me feel safe and they just arent. im just genuinely so fucking done. does it ever get better?