tonight has honestly been really bad. i dont know how much longer i can take it.
so. my ex's new boyfriend, which was also my friend, added me. just to talk badly. telling me im a shit person, that i only lie, that my ex is the only one telling the truth. i showed him proof. messages, screenshots, actual evidence that the rumors shes spreading arent real. he didnt care. just kept going. it doesnt matter how much you show some people, they just dont want to see it.
and after all of this, all the rumors, everything that happened, ive already lost 5+ friends because of it. and today it dropped by one more. D. ive been feeling off about him for a while honestly, hes been hanging around her regularly, and i guess it was only a matter of time. he turned against me too, even though hes seen the messages. even though he knows. i dont really know what to say about that.
so now its just S. i guess thats better than nothing :), and i mean that. but yeah. it still sucks.
ive been really drained today, and the suicidal thoughts are coming back. stronger than they were last december, and i think that says something. im not sure i can let them go this time. im kind of scared honestly. i dont really know what happens next.
my parents have been asking for a few weeks if i want to go to a mental health institution. i think i might actually need that now. i dont know how stable i can be anymore. this whole situation is just too much. i havent been at school for about 3.5 months now, and i honestly dont think a school change would be enough at this point. id rather just move cities. or countries. i just want to start over, you know?
i think about that a lot actually. how nice it would be to go somewhere nobody knows me. nobody knows what happened, nobody knows what shes been saying. they just know me as i am right now, in that moment. that sounds really nice. i know its not that easy or realistic, but the thought is still there.
im scared for myself. im scared i might do something i cant take back. i dont usually like talking about my mental health with people, but it feels easier here. i feel like you guys get it, you know? Messages Never Seen has always kind of been there when i needed it. i know most of you dont know who i am, and thats okay. some of you know my name, and honestly, thats more than enough. i love you all genuinely. this place feels like the only safe space i have right now.
weird to say out loud, but its the truth.
i dont really know what else to say. i just wish this would get better on its own somehow. i wish my SSRIs would actually do something. does it ever get better?
