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Messages Found: NaN
i know that it annoys u that everytime i drink too much i come spamming u. i wish you'd hear me out. - crazy girl with red hair
You need to stop putting these girls through the ringer because you're not over your high school girlfriend. Also stop dressing them like her too.
I ask myself evey time- do I like you? Do I love you? Do I want you? And the answer always is- in theory.
It fades. Like you.
I writt conflicting feelings, doesnt mean it sits with me. The moment I write them down, it immediately fades. Like a theory. The emotions dont stick
Its cathartic to write. You were never one I shared my feelings with. If u ever read this, youd realise I was a stranger you never knew. And just bcz
But the craziness? Thats not for your love.Not you. Its the self criticism. The analysis paralysis. The couldve shouldve wouldve. I dont want u at all
I want you gone- thats always how it ends up feeling. I love love. Not your love.
The thought of you not liking me never sickened me. Otherwise ghosting you wouldnt have been so easy. Its the thought that my kindness was used.
And the phrase was spread around- not only was he hideous on the outside, he was on the inside as well. He used others. Especially the kind ones.
You reminded me of him. Did you know he had a wife he cheated on? Just bcz he was disabled, doesnt mean he was worthy of love.
I clocked it from the beginning. That you're a user. But my patient nature repeatedly gave you a chance while I wondered...remember no neck Ed?
i finally realised that you moved on so quickly because you never actually liked me. that thought sickens me but its true. now im crazy but u did this
And I dont want that. The moment my posessive nature creeps in, I leave. I dont want you. Its just unwanted thoughts I cant control except for leaving
Thats not normal. So dont reach out. Its for your own good. And my own. And dont change your mind. The silence is starting to be soothing again.
Do u know what I want to "fight" about? You are mine. Is she just a friend? Yes? Good. I leave. Its an insane thing to think repeatedly."We" cant be.
If only.If I didnt want that I wouldnt have asked that Q. But u proved that it wasjust my delusion as I suspected many times. So I left
Thats why now, I accept our connection for what is was. And why now I wish you find someone to love. I do care for you but not the same way.
Do I wish you were the one? Yes.You were and still are the only guy I talked to and opened up to and loved. Is that delusional after everything? Yes.
Everything "we" had was real. Actions,emotions,feelings.I can never pretend or fake emotions. But that "real" was real for that time. Its a new day.
My strong attachment side didnt get the hint... lI kept re- texting.Funny, lits all just texting, penpal.All of this over texting. Thats why I leave.
I truly gave you a chance though. But when you gave the "no feelings" rule, I accepted there will never be one. Despite my fantasies, reality is a no.
My overthinking romantic side lament. But my calm side is happy that I dont have emotional outbursts irl. Thank u for being my ex pen pal.
I never fight.Nor fought with you.You always wanted a fight.I discuss.And if that fails, I go.U know,that was the point I decided we would never be.
That other side of me is posessive,loyal,loving,calm, curious,patient,accepting.I gave you my quiet avoidant side-for strangers and temporary people.
U were always caught off guard. Its because I know the other side of mine is only reserved for people I actually love. You were just a pen pal.
B/w "us" there's no such thing as "the one who got away".It was just you and I.When my irrational possessive trait popped up, I ghosted every time.
Everytime the irrational feeling of love or attachment came up, I left. We were pen pals. Nothing more.
I have a love deeply fault.And an engage fully fault.Hence I hurt.But I expel all "could've" emotions in writing.We are nothing apart from ex-penpals
We were pen pals.Nothing more. I was never "your" anything-not even an ex.I have a people-pleasing fault.Just Get It. I always asked clarifying Q's.
You have a girlfriend. I dont talk to guys with gfs. You kept her hidden and hinted at her through images. I dont trust people who hide their partners
Now youre just another headstone in the tiny graveyard of people Ive connected with pass by.
Was just a play thing, a time pass for you. Send my love to your new lover. Treat her better.
I was never the girl you liked, let alone loved. I have come to accept that.
Treat her better
Send my love to your new lover
I thought one day Ill share it all with you. That maybe you'll get it. How foolish. Never. I was young. Older this is what I get. When will it all end
You'll never have my soul. I never want to feel what you feel ever again.
Never again. Never. A waste. A complete waste. They ripped my mind. You ripped both mind and heart. I never wish for you for anything ever again
I thought one day Ill share it with you. I was young. But older it happened again. When will it end.
How many more years now. How many will you take. U took 8 already. 8 more? 12? 14? 16? I always yearned for eternal sleep.
All my teen years i fought against what happened in my pre teens. And when I thought u were kind, u turned out to be a different worse kind of beast.
Y for the 3rd time. y are like those men. y did u start off with those inappropriate q's. y couldnt u be safe. Y did u trigger it. Why you.
All 3 of you. From pre pubescence to young adulthood. You all fd me up.
They physically f me up. You mentally did. I wondered why both felt the same mentally. Because its the same coin.
To think that u would be the 3rd person. I thought those 2 men were the only pdos when i was b/w 8-12. I never thought u would be another version.
U groomed me. Its true that children who were mlsted at 8 will get groomed again. U faked a future with me. I abhor you. U remind me of that man.
You lied about your age too... now which one am I. The 8 or the 18. If I ignore it long enough I'll be fine.I can live one more day. It not time yet.
I wanted to have friends so badly that I ignored it. I was scared. U reminded me of when I was 8. I had to please him. Please you. It was automatic.
I should have blocked you. When you talked about the hair 'there'. When you pushed for face pic. When you sprung that pic onto me. I froze. I fawned.
Not the first time people think I look mean or sound blunt. I do end up pleasantly surprising them when they talk to me. Cant be helped. Just who I am
I tried to express it to you as best as I could without entering feelings territory. Easier to ignore. So I did. If it sounded mean- oh well.
As in I dont care to convince you to change yours. Nor do I expect you to change mine. Sharing info is fine, but I find it to be tedious and pointless
Especially political ones. Yours are yours and mine are mine. I dont care to change them. Eveyone comes across their own sources.
I dont change peoples minds. Its not my place to try to convince anyone.Your belief id as valid as mine. Besides, it slips into "feelings". Dont want.
If we end up together then great. If someone else loves me and want to be with me, Im open to that too now. Im not opposed to other guys anymore now
I'm not thinking about you I marry at all. Im glad I asked you months back. Your answer had helped me mentally move on and now I recognise it
I think I am moving on? I dont really picture you or think of you or us as much anymore.... I am actually open to and wanting to see other guys.
This is insanity! Why do I not want anyone else but you. I cannot even give any other guy a chance to even speak with me. Am I mentally unsound...
I ce skred and filtered for so long that I cant make my mind defy your boundary. I think the old me you and I knew doesnt exist anymore.
I thought I could but I cant make myself ignore the no feelings rule. Every thought and question gets auto filtered by your boundary. Im honoring it.
I'm just waiting for the day to stop loving you so that the image of you in my head is set free. I have a hunch that we're heading to that direction.
Yet I dare to wish otherwise. I want to be yours. I badly do. I'm afraid that by me wishing it, it won't happen. So I stumble away yet crawl back to u
Apart from loving you that is. But I dont believe thats a good reason. Many loves are loved from a distance. And deep down I believe that's ..."us"
Deep down I know I'll never tell you. Meet you. Nor talk to you. I dont feel any reason to be with you. I've made my peace with it.
If not soon then by next Easter if I live- you'll be the first to know I've converted. I want to give myself another year before sharing.
I gave you as much of myself as I could. I did as much as I could. Nothings enough. I risked my survival. I cannot explain. You cannot understand
No one should be anyone's peace
-to admit that u calm me and keep me at peace...I dont want to depend on u so that when u leave I dont break.Id rather break myself by leaving instead
I am mentally off- it triggers when I leave you and decide to cut contact. And reaches its height until I reconnect with u. Im afraid and I dont want-
So many boxes unticked and so many points confirmed- I truly am deluded. Thank you for everything pen pal.
Okay hello then it is
I suspect... so jist in case I have to say this to you- Godlogic. Watch him. You. And watch the 2nd april live.
You think of me as a monster but I truly thought that... it doesnt matter. If you say so then I became the very monster I hated and suffered from.
I grapple with whether I should reach out and say happy easter as an excuse.But then the no feelings rule remain.We'll pretend again. U'll dodge again
I told you it wasn't working and I walked away, but the truth is I'm falling apart too. And I'm not sure if you're really writing to me here.
I'll love u forever- I concede that. There's a lot which I cannot share. But which shackles me and keeps me motioneless.Thats why please- be at peace.
Live live fully and happily. So that I can live it through you. Love happily, so that I can through you. Be at peace, I feel it too.
Please live ur life happily and find the one you love.Dont wait for me.Dont waste your time.It soothes me when youre happy.And pains me when youre sad
How selfish of me... Above all-be happy. I sincerely wish it to you. Have a joyful happy life with all your desires becoming true. Happy Easter.
Because without the rule I end up wondering- who even are you. Its the sun that I hated before, but one that I revolve around now to guide me.
That's what makes me pause every time and wonder. And think maybe its for the best. Its your boundary after all - one that I'll honour too.
Do you still want the no feelings rule?
I never blocked u. And I sometimes wonder what would happen if we lay it all out and say what we actually want to each other. I'll talk if u reach out
Penpal, Happy Easter. And I wish you a happy life
On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples... he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.
And my brain knew and picked up on it. I just couldnt put it into words... I just wish I connected with someone , ANYONE else. And never you.
-nothing from you to hold on to. Just ideas of what we could be. I painted you very lovely shades in my head, when in reality I was not considered
Vague nonresponses. I never got any of this from you - I was the foolish one. I thought I hurt you, but I was fooling myself all along. There was-
-leading you on or making you feel like a placeholder. If a man wants you, they will be crystal clear, you wont be guessing or questioning or getting-
-100% made you feel chosen, 100% let the world know you are his and his alone, and 100% show up for you in every way you needed- that man is leading-
-duces you to his family, make you feel special in certain moments, argue with you about you belonging to him-if a man hasnt 100% asked you to be his
Because I've learned something else too. I wasnt just hurting you, I was hurting myself the most. It doesnt matter if a man takes you on dates, intro-
I had promised myself that if it doesnt work out when I reached out to you the fourth and last time, I'll never again. I sincerely wish you well.
Yet another year of searching. Im going back to doing it solo again. Bringing you into it just ends up with me hurting you.I shouldnt have reached out
... It deosnt natter what faith I have. Wr wouldnt work out regardless. I'll keep on continuing to search for the truth
And I understand you a little more now. I wonder sometimes... I think if I do or do not convert,I wont reach out to you yet again. Ive hurt u enough.
I do strangely have a little wave of peace now that I have researched your religion. I'm hooked onto apologetics now though....
So that even we are not together,and may never be,at least I didnt just change faith for someone. That I do finally stop and think of and for myself.
I grappled with converting. But it would be disingeneous. So I decided to only do so after researching and of my own will. Not just because I love u.
Wandering eyes I can forgive. Cheating I cannot. In time, I will forgive u for cheating, and move on.
I left for circumstances between us before. Now I have decidedly left you for good. There is no going back at all. Its all clear now.
I now understand why I keptpulling away from you. U didnt gave anything to hold on to in the first place. And I find myself not thinking of u at all.
You'll never have me the same way again. There is no peace nor clarity with you. Its always smoke and mirrors with you. Nothing is concrete or real.
It'll always end the same-with u driving me insane trying to get clear answe out of u and trying to understand what you mean with your vague replies.
I know that you'll never change. You'll always be vague. You'll never use my name. You'll always hide behind ambiguity. You'll never be direct.
Part of me keeps staying just for the small chance that I might feel your arms around me one last time. I miss the warmth of you.
I linger for the faint hope of one more embrace. I miss the way you felt like home when we hugged.
No greetings, no approaching, no contact whatsoever. We go our separate ways and keep our distance. If we make eye contact, look away.
U were my dream, even if I wasnt urs. Still, what I felt was genuine. Time moved us apart, but the tenderness I once felt for u never fully left
My intentions were always pure. I just wish yours had been too.
God i luv u so much! Remember our first date? And lol the drink u spilled on ur pants. I think ur the 1 ill marry fo sure
Chicken. Iykyk luv
I miss our late night rides. Your laugh. I miss your hugs. Do you remember me when you hug her?
Love u so much pookie!!! Cant wait for Sunday to meet u n hug u!
Do you still leave your notebook open on your desk? Or hum our tune while walking down the street? I can still feel your hands in mine sometimes.
I saw someone who looked like you and for a second I panicked but it wasnt you so were good. I miss your hugs and pretty black hair
Vulnerability is humilating.But I have peace knowing your final answer, even if I had to put myself on the firing range. I value clarity more than ego
And each time its submitted, I find that I dont think of you at all with the passing seconds.
Here, you cannot tell me what not to say or what to say. I can say what I want. Here its peaceful. More than you ever were to me....
With each text here, Im realising how much Ive held myself back. U really did a number on me with your control of what I should say and what not to.
Here I can release you completely. And as much as I dont want you to be immortalised on this site, its been listening more than u ever were.
But the imagination is only a few seconds.Bcz reality is,we werent ever meant to talk to each other. I wish I never picked ur bottle. I regret.A lot
I still imagine what it'd be like being with u. I have that little luxury of imagining to keep peace in my mind.But ultimately,I want u safe and happy
I dont want u to even think of converting.When u fasted in rmdan,I tried to convince u not to fast.I want u to remain christian- mine is ...not good.
You were always aiming to "knock me down a peg"... its baffling now that I realise how much you hated me. And I coudlnt see it... or refused to see
... you actually undermined my confidence every time. You sht on all my interests... you didnt like that a "pretty" person could "give you a chance"
You actually hated me... You hated that a person who was from a "thirld world country" knew fluent english... You truly hated that I was secure
I shouldve realised you hated me since the beginning. Its becoming clear how much you hated me. I cant believe I missed them and how you digged at me
Its devastating to find that I thought highly of you... while you actively tried to destroy me. I was actually the calm and clear one, and it -
Youre insecure- this phrase will never work on me again. You sure did make it lose its effect by repeatedly using it on me. So be mindful next time
If red pill and all the manipulation dating techniques makes you think you became a better person, then god speed to u. U'll find ur match of ur worth
One thing that I never did is plead my emotions to you. I am not THAT insecure as u like to say. So ur no feelings rule ruled in my favour, thank you
- Should have listened to the disgust and anxiety. You never truly calmed me... U were not my peace. I mistook anxiety for love for you.
Dont judge a book by its cover they say- it works on books and people. But not u. U revealed a lot in the way u texted and the topics u chose - I
In u using me I have found myself again. So thanku for how u treated and communicated with me. I wouldnt have ever opened my eyes to see u properly.
I would say I regret ever giving you attention, but then I wouldnt have learned what red flags to look out for while in love with someone. So thank u
I shrunk myself to fit your comfort level and emotional capacity. You were not worth it - I didnt need to prove anything to you.
U taught me sth important- if a man creates a no feelings rule, they dont care nor love U at all and are just using you. I tolerated a lot from you
I never blocked you. I just dont keep pfps.
"If you love them let them go" hated this phrase. I'm possessive - I like what's mine. But I understand it now. I love you, and I need to let you go.
I've never been afraid of being alone. I may not let go easily in mind and heart, but irl, I easily let go of people who should be set free. Ur free
I had forgotten that lesson. Its a truth n it cannot be changed. Everyone always end up yearning for their own people in the end. The exotic wears off
U'll understand once u try interculture dating. U'll soon find its much more healthy and successful to have a relationship with people of ur country
There is no relationship when the basic foundation of communication is broken. Besides- everyone ends up with people who are culturally the same
Im afraid. ur style of comms is like my dads- and it triggers me. So just like how he left ages ago, I leave to keep u free like he wanted to be free
Its sad but its okay. Things work out in the end. You'll find your person - someone you actually can be honest with, and have courage to speak with.
If I never wanted u, love u and not thought u were enough, I wouldnt have ever thought of being your wife. I broke my own rule of never marrying for u
Thank you for everything. When you get married, invite me to your wedding?
Thirty fifth and final light red note. All the ten and eleven feb of twenty six are me. Unsent P. never worked so I found MNS. I dont hv anything left
We were a mismatch in communication. I hope u find someone who can read your mind and understand you. I dont do guesswork.
Why cant you be honest. Why cant u examine urself instead of accusing me of not caring. Why do you see my attempts of clarity as an attack.
It is lies that have shackled my freedom and life. I hate liars. I dont trust liars. I do not forgive liars. I dont forgive u for lying.
I cared. I gave my heart and trust to u. I never doubted u and believed what u said and showed. But now, how many of ur words and pics we ai generated
And u say I only talk abt myself. How about u not answering or ignoring or giving vague responses when i tried to get to know u. I didnt know who u r.
I always forgave u,unblocked u, and apologised to you. This was the last time. After some time I'll successfully carve you out of my head and heart.
I risked telling u how I felt and taking the first move.Was I always just a competition for u? How much did u laugh abt it with ur friends while drunk
I was just a convenience. Not black. Not white. Nor blue eyed. Not a fun pretty waitress. "Men are as faithful as their options" - rang true for us.
And such angry,backhanded songs they were... u always hid behind smoke and mirrors. You thrived in ambiguity. I broke in it. We were never meant to be
Was I? Were you? Were both of us toxic? Or we just werent compatible. U loved sending songs. When I told u I overanalyse and dont send, u still did
I trusted u with the keys to my heart and my sense of self, and u used it to attack me randomly for fun. Cruel. Thats why I blocked u. Yet I softened.
One thing that I should have realised earlier- you attack using the same method as everyone else- where it hurts the most. By invalidating my identity
Attacking what I only have- my identity. Why did I forgive u every time and unblocked u. I explained that Im mixed. I shared my fears. U didnt care.
We werent compatible in communication style. Im sorry for hurting u. I wish I wasnt tubborn and tried to make it work. I dont understand hints.
I share my inner world only with people I love, I bare my heart and thoughts only to people I care for. And if you still think I dont seem to care...
My flaw is not knowing social rules. I saw u like any other guy- I didnt care for ur condition and treated u like any other human - was that wrong?
I dont hate u. Just disappointed,sad n critical of my own actions. Maybe I should hv been more careful abt ur disability. I never thought it mattered.
I shouldnt hv picked ur bottle. We were immature. I tried to be upfront with my thoughts and feelings. U didnt like it at all. U like guessing games.
"If you love them let them go" I didnt use to believe in that- still kinda dont. Things you said made me block u. Im a harsh person. I dont do grace.
Maybe I was the issue all along. If I actually had friends and people didnt care Im a foreigner, I wouldnt have held u so tight and suffocated you.
2 much.2 intense.2 insecure. Is that really what I am? I wanted u as a friend,and then fell in love with u. Did I love u or did I not want to lose u?
Why did I not see nor talk to other guys. Why did I still stay loyal to you even when I blocked you. I kept coming back to you. I shouldnt have.
Soulmates - people say that's stupid. I hoped we were meant to be. Now I think people are right. I was always a jaded person. Why did I hope in you.
No contact is easy and sth Im used to since childhood. I dont stay friends- either keep me or leave me. I dont breadcrumb like ur per day questions.
It was funny when u shared the show-children of steel.I myself was working on steel- welding. I wanted to tell u once I finished- then I knew I wont.
Then I thought maybe thats what you wanted - to be asked questions as well. So I did. And I knew it was over again before the months end.
You treated me like a once a day clock-in, sending one question a day and never engaging with my answers. I thought u were busy like I was-
There is nothing else to be said here. Hey, I still never broke your "no feelings" rule. You'll never see these messages here anyways.
U loved that marriage story scene. And I told u I hated it. It made me fear that I was holding u down. And u wanted other women. So I let u go to live
I sometimes wonder if I really loved u ... I spent 8 years fixated on you even when I cut you off. It will be funny if my first love was never you.
Thank you though. 8 years later I can finally let you go now and keep the space in my heart and head for a man who actually wants me.
Its my fault for making the 1 move. Im sorry. U hid because u didnt want me and didnt have the courage the tell me. I accept that Ill never be urwife.
U love hints and uncertainty.I love clarity. I got tired of always being the brave one and using words instead of hints.I dont like cowards.
I surrender. I wished to be ur wife. Ur "no feelings" rule shouldve woken me up. 8 years I stayed loyal to u- some1 I never met. I was foolish to hope
I love you. I know its the last thing you want to hear but I tired of waiting for something that might never happen. I just want you to know
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